Life is especially challenging for a lot of people right now, but if we’re honest with ourselves we realize that life is always complicated. There are always challenges and disappointments, and things often don’t work out the way we expect or want them to.
When these things arise, our first response is usually to avoid them or control them--to get as far away from them as we can, or do whatever it takes to change them or make them go away.
In practicing mindfulness, we learn to recognize that this response often just intensifies our thoughts and feelings--our fears get bigger and more intense, our pain becomes more overwhelming. We also learn that facing these challenges and acknowledging them is often the better solution.
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Try this:
Take out a sheet of paper and a pen. Write out a sentence or phrase that expresses one of the thoughts or feelings that are challenging you today. Here are a few examples I made up:
I don’t know what’s going to happen next
My kids are driving me crazy
I’m filled with anxiety
I’m bored and lonely and it’s getting worse
My pantry is starting to look bare
Try to capture whatever feels most pressing. Make the letters really big. Take up the whole page. Use color if you want to have some fun.
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Now sit back in your chair and look at the paper. Really look at it.
Think about the words. Think about what they mean. Give your brain permission to free-associate all it wants, coming up with solutions and contingencies, running through hypotheticals and what-ifs.
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Now take a really good, deep breath. Maybe two or three.
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Notice your body. Notice any tension it might have. How fast your heart is beating, and whether your breathing has changed.
Recognize that this is what your emotion feels like. This is what that emotion is supposed to feel like.
Accept that your emotion has a right to be there. If you’re feeling fear, it’s probably because something is scaring you. If you’re feeling loneliness, it’s probably because you’re disconnected from people who matter. Accept that your emotion is telling you something, and that it belongs.
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Now ask yourself what there is to be done. If there’s anything reasonable and realistic that could be done. Those are important words, because our brain is great at coming up with “well if X wasn’t true, then I could definitely do Y,” which is all well and good except that X is true, so Y is a lot harder or maybe even impossible.
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Be really honest with yourself. Can you reasonably expect yourself to do anything about the situation causing you this emotion?
If you come up with something do it. Like, right now if you can. Take care of that thing you’ve been putting off. Call the person who called you back. Fill out that job application.
Then remind yourself that it’s ok to let go. That not everything can be completed today. Not every problem can be solved by you personally, and expecting yourself to do everything all the time is a great recipe for feeling like you suck and everything all the time.
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If only for today, be nice to fears, your anger, your loneliness, your whatever. Treat that part of yourself with empathy and kindness. You’re likely to find that these emotions are less difficult to have around, and that you like yourself better too.
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Be well.
Take care of yourself and others.
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